A triptych is a work of art (usually a panel painting)
that is divided into three sections.
“I’ve seen this one,” I say.
“In person?” He asks.
“In person, yeah.”
The title is The Garden of Earthly Delights, by Hieronymus Bosch 
and it was painted in 1490(ish)
“Can you believe his name is Hieronymus Bosch? Hieronymus Bosch. 
It sounds like something out of an Eva Ibbotson novel.
Dianna Wynn Jones. Well, maybe not her. Someone like-”
“Where did you see it?” He asks.
“I don’t remember,” I say.
“It can’t have been London. Maybe Italy? I only saw those cartoons in -”
“Madrid?” He asks.
“Madrid. Can’t have been. I’ve never been to Spain.”
“Then you haven’t seen it,” He says. “It’s been there since 1939.”
“Oh.”
He closes the Wikipedia tab.
“Hieronymus Bosch is a good name though. Want to go to a museum?”
“What, now?” It’s raining, although it’s always on the edge of rain in London.
It’s the only thing that feels like culture shock to me, in England.
Developing an understanding of the London rain.
I was told for years that it’s always raining, and I didn’t realize people mean it’s never raining.
Not really.
There’s mist and constant drizzle and always puddles and holes in my sneakers that lead to wet socks.
But never rain.
Once, there was a lightning storm and we sat on my bed half naked to watch it,
Electricity forking across the sky.
The glass doors out to the small patio created a triptych I liked
Window blinds, glass door with skyline, glass door with skyline.
I don’t want to leave my house today.
He doesn’t live here, he’s only visiting and can do whatever he likes.
“Yes, now.” I’ve almost forgotten what we’re talking about.
“Don’t you want to do things? I feel like we’re always just sitting around when we’re not at school.”
It didn’t used to be like that before I started dating you, I don’t say.
I used to go places all the time. Like the zoo and the opera and the late night museum openings where I did my fingerprints at a forensics table and left so much oily residue that the man running it told me never to commit a crime
Walks to Camden along the locks, never actually took a boat, or did I
Social dances where I spoke to more people in three hours than I would a full week of school and
“I’m tired,” I say. It’s both true and not true and some other third thing.
“Try being twenty-five sometime.”
Sometimes he thinks this is funny and sometimes he does not and sometimes he looks at me with some other thing in his eyes that forecasts the day he will leave me.
“I think I’m going to head out,” He says.
The few times I visit his house, I am shocked by the walk. 
Even if he never loved me or if he only thought he did or if he did, it’s a hike.
I think of him walking and me lying on my bed and school
​the point around which our obtuse points triangulate and think of how words have multiple meanings or one or none or-

1. of an angle more than 90 degrees and less than 180
2. annoyingly insensitive or slow to understand.
3. not sharp-pointed or sharp-edged; blunt.

I am all of these things, sprawled across my bed
no my cabbage flower patterned sofa in my London flat
that I share with two roomates I hardly see but resent 
Perhaps the feeling is mutual, I think, as lightning forks across the skyline in my memory
We three moved into a two-bedroom flat with a living room, after all.
Guess in which room I live.

​

The year is anything but quiet.
I can hear the animals eating through our food stores even now
Rat teeth clicking on corn
Bear teeth ripping into cabbage heads
Teeth I don’t even want to think about, dripping with the salt of the deepest sea water
And who knows what they make off with?
There is less food, we know.
And noises at night.
Speaking of noises at night:
One time one of the older fellows caught his ankle in some low-lying coast rocks
And he moaned, lowly, over the ripping of the tide and the whipping of the wind.
And at night, the gaping wound in our earth moans, like a quick broken ankle.
The children gather around, asking questions
Things that no one ever felt the need to ask aloud like,
“What is that sound? What do you think is down there?”
Before we moved to the coast, we carried these children in slings on our backs
Across terrain which would just as likely see you dead as alive
And didn’t have time to ask a thing.
Just kept moving forward.
In summer, the ocean waves destroy an entire row of houses.
One time I thought I saw a bird in a tree - blue.
I blinked and it was gone, quietly. 
This was not like that.
A wrenching, grinding of jousts and metal bits
The supporting wall, clinging to the others like a leader line to fibers
And the loom spins backwards and everything unravels.
It is loud. I can hear it even as I put the final nail into our brand new food storage.
The animals don’t come around at night as often, anymore.

​

This is some Count of Monte Crisco level bullshit.
An apple pie you can feel all the way to your toes.
I’m going to regret this later, on the toilet at 3 AM but right now I’m in heaven.
The neon letter E gives one last precious gasp and flickers out.
OK. Make that Heav’n.
Touch everyone, but make eye contact with no one. Or vice versa.
I put on new socks today and my shoes squeak with every gummy step forward.
A murder chorus of mice beneath patent leather heels. Squeak squeak squeak.
Would I like to dance? No, I wouldn’t.
What’s my name? I’d tell you, but I’d have to kill you.
That’s a joke. Or is it. I don’t know. Did you laugh?

​down the green green hill
by the dirt dirt path
through the stone stone gate
past the snarled snarled hedge
round the still still lake
in the grim grim shade 
of the gnarled gnarled tree
lies a cold cold grave.
it’s yours.

it’s yours.

​This is a ghost story.
It is also a true story.
There are some frightening images.
And an ending that makes them worth it.

When I was young, I felt normal.
Nothing about me seemed out of the ordinary.
I wore pink and ribbons in my hair
I was seen and not heard
and went to church on Sunday.
Just like you.
I played with dolls and dress up and make believe
And stepped on legos in the basement.
And was afraid of the dark.
Just like you.
One day, my sister trapped a tiny spider under a cup 
And while I screamed “KILL IT”
She gently placed it outside in the sunlight. Of a crisp autumn day.
And I screamed “WHY DIDN’T YOU KILL IT”
and wore pink and went to church on Sunday
and learned the pledge of allegiance
and felt mostly normal.
And the shadowed things inside me sharpened their teeth.
As I grew up, I felt mostly normal.
Mostly.
I celebrated Columbus Day, and went to church on Sunday,
and pretended I was interested in chasing boys on the playground,
and stepped on small spiders because I was scared.
Just like you.
And the shadowed things inside me licked their lips and sharpened their teeth,
my what big teeth you all have
and swallowed me down whole.
We’re in the belly of the beast now, the very witching hour of night, when churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes out contagion to this world
facts made of fictions and fictions spun like so much fools gold
look at the birdie, look over here
while the sharp teethed beasts eat your life, your soul, your future over your shoulder
and we kill each other on their command, so they don’t have to
a graveyard of frightened things, stamping on each other’s happiness like so many
young children crying over the tiniest spider
but i’m normal, i feel normal
just like you
i’m just like you
i can put pink ribbons in my hair and dissociate through church on sunday
while a pastor thousands of miles away screams murder on my head in the name of nothing
and an army of conservative ghosts flood the frontlines 
to give you orders and tell you where the enemy is - it’s them! it’s there! it’s you!
and i wear pink and play with dolls and kill the beautiful frightening things that
threaten a victory without a fear
a victory without conquerors
just a moment where we stand and i see you
and you see me
and you realize
i am just like you.
i am just like you.
and soft! i scent the morning air
the sun rises.

And the conservative ghosts which once haunted the shadowed parts of my life
Proved to be weak and insignificant, fearful, trembling things
Lies told to a frightened, grasping child
only ghosts, only specters that died shrieking in the sun
And were replaced by something brave, authentic, warm, substantial, full-fleshed
Something like this.

these days, i don’t feel normal.
i feel like me.
i wear whatever color i feel like.
and sleep in, my cat curled warm on my chest on sundays.
and i will live.
i will be happy.
just like you.

There’s a pain in my right eye.
It’s been getting worse.
It could be nothing. Or.

When I was a kid, reading stolen chapters under covers
flashlight tucked under my chin or gripped between teeth,
keeping quiet when I heard my father climbing the stairs,
holding my breath as he switched off the hallway light.

Were such things here as we do speak about,
or have we eaten on the insane root that takes reason prisoner?

I click into WebMD. Where is the pain? I click head, then eye.
Add Common Symptoms (2). Eye hurts and eye pain.
It’s enough for a FAIR match. (5) Fair Matches.
Sty, Dry Eye, Acute Sinusitis, Pink Eye, Chronic Sinusitis.

What is left out: the pain gets worse at night, the flares around streetlights warping
even when I wear contacts.
After I weep, my eyes are drier than they’ve ever felt and stick under my lids.
I stare into nothing and the pain sharpens down to a point, until I can’t keep my eye open any longer.

Out vile jelly! Where is thy lustre now?
All dark and comfortless.

These days, scrolling stolen chapters under covers
iPhone gripped tightly in my sweaty blanket fort hand,
keeping quiet when I hear my mother climbing the stairs,
holding my breath as she pauses outside my bedroom door.

And the pain in my right eye gets worse.
It could be nothing.


***I wrote this about three weeks ago. Got diagnosed with an eye infection this week lol we are slowly healing.

I fell in love in JFK because there was a terrible windstorm and lightning
And our plane was delayed for over 3 hours.
We all had to get off then, because of some rule:
if your plan is delayed for over 3 hours, you must get off the plane
(i don’t know why)
It’s lucky, because:

A plane left right before we were scheduled to take-off
They made it out and we were next
And then we had the announcement “We’ll be returning to the gate”
People were fine for the first thirty minutes.
After that, it was all rising annoyance and pointed questions for the air stewards
And a baby crying and more annoyance
As if babies can help it, when they need a good cry.
Three hours isn’t that long, in the scheme of the universe
And I’ve never minded waiting
So I did some Sudoku and tried to listen a book on tape that I’d been meaning to read but couldn’t bring myself to focus on, and found that I couldn’t bring myself to focus on the tape either, despite literally having few other options
Maybe it’s the book, I thought, then:
Or maybe it’s just me.

At three hours, the person in the seat next to me was ready to mutiny
Talking about lawyers and refunds and an outrage
I distantly thought about this news story I read, about this plane that got struck by lightning mid-flight
and crashed… I think, somewhere over Portugal
Only one passenger survived, a young girl, whose row had gone into some dense shrubbery
And she walked away with only a broken arm
She walked, literally, away until she found a cloister of nuns
Was it nuns?
Who brought her to hospital?
Or maybe it was just a hospital.
I can’t remember.
Either way, I don’t worry so much
About outrages when the alternative is flying hazardously through a windstorm.
​
And after all,
if we had taken off on time
If we had chanced it, squeezing boldly through the burgeoning winds into the open air
I would never have fallen in love at JFK, with you
Standing blearily at a generic coffee stand, the sign fluorescently declaring
“I LOVE NEW YORK”
with a magazine under your arm and a caterpillar neck pillow cradling you softly

it's almost like an alternate life when i'd planned to finish this trek on day 10. i am only grateful and delighted about my decision to extend my trek a day. it means that i've gotten to slow down and look around on my walk today, which has been nice. waking up to the news of the overturn of roe v. wade was so sickening, it was almost a relief to get out on the road and spend some energy pounding the pavement. here are some thoughts (from the middle!) of day 10:

• shoutout to an IG buddy who let me know that my past three blogs haven't published properly! here i was thinking it was only last night only to find that the issues went back to day 6! it seems like the problem was....get this...i was forgetting to press publish. NICE! the issue should be fixed now!
• day 10 was difficult to get started. of course, reading about roe v. wade was super demoralizing and i spent a bit of time sitting on my bed feeling like i didn't want to get started. i think that's relatively common for me with penultimate things though...i'm hoping i'll be able to start tomorrow with the sense of the finish line coming closer! just don't talk to me about those last few miles haha!
• once i got started, i really feel like i found a good rhythm! taking the day on the bike seems to have REALLY helped with my ankle/knee situation, and i actually enjoyed some of the long stretches of walking. it certainly doesn't hurt that the further east i go, the more and more peaceful the scenery becomes! water, vineyards, farm stands....it's really a completely different geography from what i saw on april 24th in brooklyn!
• the big drama of this trip seems to be my cell phone charger brick. i left ANOTHER one plugged into the wall of a hotel and am now on charger brick number THREE. you think i'd be like "fool me once..." but no, it turns out i never learn. luckily i walked past a CVS (hello, old friend) and stopped in for a brick and a gatorade.
• for the first time???? i think??? i'm actually writing this blog a little bit BEFORE the end of my walking day! i still have about two miles to go before i get to my hotel, but check-in isn't until 3 PM and i randomly happened across a public library! i figured now was a great time to deal with my blog snafu AND make use of some free wifi, bathrooms, and chairs....so here i am! 
• RANDOMLY!!!! i also just ran into one of the cast members from my most recent show! shoutout to gabe!!! he asked me what i was doing out here and when i said, "i'm walking from brooklyn to montauk" he only looked SLIGHTLY skeptical. maybe it's my ginormous hiking backpack and irreversibly wind-swept hair that convinced him.
• once again my plan for tonight is to rest, go to bed early, and wake up ready to walk. there's definitely a bittersweet feeling that has been creeping into my heart as i get closer and closer to montauk...i'm sure i'll have a clearer idea of what it actually is tomorrow and it'll be interesting to reflect on the whole journey as an entity. honestly, i've been here for every step, every mile, every ankle twinge and random ache....and sometimes it still doesn't feel like i've really done it. standing on the pier in brooklyn feels like some dream that i had years ago.
• enough of this nostalgic nonsense! i'm going to make use of the sweet free wifi to make my social media post for the day and watch some youtube videos and then i'll get right back to it!

for you: we will keep fighting, we will keep organizing, we will keep pushing back against the facistic mechanisms of oppressive systems until we achieve liberation, equity, happiness. i know we will! i love you! and i'll see you tomorrow!

day 9 is done!!! done!!! this day has been looming over me for a few reasons: it was my longest distance day, the forecast showed rain, and i’m getting pretty dang tired lol. i’ll tell you all about what went down in this blog post! (excuse any weird formatting, im writing on my phone instead of my laptop - details below!!)

• this AM i did my LAST interview of the series!!!! hooray! another varied and interesting perspective! i really feel like we covered so much ground in these interviews, and i’m getting excited to get back and start editing! i can’t wait to share them all with you! another HUGE thanks to everyone who took part!
• because of the reasons listed above (distance, rain, ailments) i decided to do today via bike rather than foot….and WHAT a GREAF decision that was!
• it RAINED. pretty much from the time i left my interview to the time i met my mom at a pizza place near my hotel…it RAINED. beyond that, it was cold and windy - which already wasn’t brilliant on a bike (especially near the water! i have begun to see water!) but would have been much LESS brilliant on a 9-hr trek.
• speaking of 9-hr treks, i was able to cover the same distance on my bike in a little less than 3 hours - which has given me ample to time to relax, stretch, take a warm bath, get cuddled up, etc.
• mysteriously!!!! my room at the hotel got upgraded which has really cracked me up. it’s HUGE and there are two rooms with a bed in each room? i’m only staying for one night? what do i do with all this real estate lol???
• as far as the aches and pains go, biking really did what i thought it might as far as taking some of the pressure and impact off my ankle(s). i’m not going to jinx myself by saying i feel any certain way, but i’m hopeful that i’ll have energy and recovery enough to get back to the road tomorrow!
• another AWESOME development is: because my interviews are over, i was able to unload a BUNCH of equipment from my backpack! my mom (thank u 💕) came to meet me out east to drop off/pick up my bike and she also was able to unload some of the heavy nonsense i’ve been lugging around for over a week: like my laptop (thus the phone-style blog) and a WHOLE ASS TRIPOD HAHAHA.
• finally: yes, i caught a glimpse of some water today! a tiny sliver of coast, if you will. it really hammered home that - despite the rain and the aches, i am getting closer and closer to that finish line!!! 

if you’ve made it this far in my blog, you get a special little piece of trivia! obviously, long island is 118 miles long. i have been telling everyone who will listen lol but - because of the interviews and the zig-zagging from here to there - my walk will be MORE than 118 miles…….HOWEVER! today, when i arrived at my final interview, i’m happy to say i hit the 118 mile mark of my specific journey since leaving brooklyn!!!!! i can’t believe it!!! keep that in mind when you leave your guesses on the total mileage……

​see you tomorrow!

day 8 dawned with a lot of promise. i've been feeling trepidatious about day 8 (and 9) since almost the beginning of my journey because these are the two longest distance days of the entire journey! back to back! who planned that? let me at them! regardless, i started the day really well....and finished it crying on the side of the road in brookhaven. let's dive in, shall we?

• it has been a FULL WEEK since i stood near the water in brooklyn and began walking eastward! it's very difficult to think about it, because the days on the road have all sort of collapsed into one mega day. either way - it's been a week! yay!
• like i said: day 8 started well! i had a funny little continental breakfast at my hotel (there was some weird machine that made pancakes on a conveyor belt? is this the future?) and i began walking with actually a lot of energy! my body felt about as good as it has since day 2!
• what i discovered is: for a long distance day, it's much more sustainable to do shorter burst with interspersed periods of rest. long treks are JUST NOT IT. unfortunately, due to my own poor scheduling, i did the first half of the day at a lovely, broken up, leisurely pace......and finished it by pretty much half-marathoning my way to my airbnb without stopping - which was horrible!
• i had my second to last interview in sayville, and luckily from now on my path is pretty much due east (or east-erly) towards montauk! because of the boomeranging i did to get to my various interviews, i still have almost a THIRD of the distance of long island to travel! so make sure you take that into account when you're guessing exactly how far i ended up walking.
• i will say: as i make my way through eastern suffolk towards the forks, the scenery is changing, the way cars drive on the road is changing, the volume of suburbia is changing - i was wondering when i'd see that shift and it's gratifying that it's finally happening! it makes me feel like i'm heading towards that final stretch.
• i thought a lot about walking today - especially during the early part of the morning when i more or less had energy haha! one of my drama teachers at guildhall used to say that if you walked a very long distance, your body would naturally find an efficient posture for motion. i have not found that to be true, but maybe she wasn't taking into account the immense distance, relatively quick pace, and HUGE BACKPACK i'm contending with. what i have found is helpful (besides copious rests), is making my strides shorter when i start to feel fatigued, keeping my feet pretty much right beneath my hips. i don't know what the science would say about that.
• and i know what you all want to hear about! you want to hear about me crying on the long island roadsides! well i did! i admit it! i figured i'd have a day or two where the physical toll of the journey overwhelmed me, and today WAS THAT DAY. it was a loooooong distance day and my body was just shot by the end of it. i started my day at 6:30 and i'm writing this at 10:12. i was just sore and tired, and i realized that there was nothing to do about it besides keep walking. which led to my roadside meltdown, which definitely may have involved me saying, "i don't want to walk anymore! i just want to lie down!" dear elena of the past, it's me - elena of the future. don't cry, we are lying down.
  
• the BIG news! (as big as it gets around here) is that tomorrow was supposed to be ANOTHER long day of walking.... not only that, it was supposed to be the LONGEST day of walking for the whole project. however, taking into account how my body feels and the amount of time i'd be on the road (my rule is to be tucked in for the night before sunset, and i broke it by a little today!!!), i have made a BOLD decision to cover tomorrow's mileage.....by bicycle! yes, you heard right! tomorrow i'll be mounting the old iron horse (do people call bikes the iron horse or is that just bizarre lol) and spending the day moving at a (slightly) faster pace! i'm hoping this will give me time to recover for my last few days!
  

as always: i will check in tomorrow! just in case: does anyone know any good bike repair shops in suffolk county? hit up my instagram and keep an eye on my story!