my sciatica is acting up again
for real, this time not like usually when i’m just depressed and don’t want to explain it to people it’s fascinating how much more appropriately people respond to pain that they find visible and “valid” either way it gets me upstairs, under the cover, and without interruptions so i’m happy or well. not happy. not the opposite of happy, either just… my back hurts like a MF anyway, and i’ve done literally nothing physically strenuous for the past week or so. fucking stupid body fucking precious vessel i want to start over again and tenderly acknowledge every inch of myself, reverently as i hobble up the stairs, rubbing aspercreme into my ass or whatever it’s called. aspercreme. i obviously know what my ass is called. bernice. just kidding. ass ass ass. my cat doesn’t care that my back hurts, because she is a cat it doesn’t bother me so much that she wants the same things no matter how much pain i’m in or if i’m horrifically grumpy or crying my eyes out there’s something nice in the familiarity of a paw batting my nose and her reedy little meow (not cute) precious, perfect no matter what i’m about. i threw out my back sometime in 2017 during a dance class and when i told the teacher about it she patiently and meticulously explained why it was my fault for not doing the movement right. maybe she was on to something. i went to the hospital then, because i was told to and england has the NHS so i wasn’t terrified of bills. they checked me out and told me it was sciatica which i thought was something old people got, or maybe something to do with your eyes (it is not). i took the tube back “to my flat” but two stops before i got there, came the stop for my stupid ass drama school and the doors opened and i felt my whole upbringing flash before my eyes and i knew what i would do before i’d even made the decision. and i got off the fucking train and went back to school because the devil works hard. and i -
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January 2023
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